Unheard Thoughts
by saorla
Summary: Abby POV after ‘The Advocate’ Carby-ish


Title: Unheard thoughts Author: Saorla Summary: Abby POV after 'The Advocate' Carby-ish Disclaimer: I own nothing, don't sue. This may seem a little out of character, but I thought of the idea during English today and since it's a wee bit early for St. Patrick's Day intoxication, thought I'd post this. I know it sucks, don't yell. Comments appreciated, anyway.  
  
We stayed that way for a while, Carter and I. I don't know if it was because we were afraid to let go, scared that the other would walk away, or if we were just holding onto each other, waiting for the other to pull away first. When we finally did separate we just stared at each other, silently asking where we stood now. I remember the last time this happened, after he found out that I had been drinking again. We were on the same page that time; we desperately wanted 'us' to work. But, this time I'm not so sure. I love Carter, really I do, and I'm sure that Carter loves me; but what makes this one different from any other relationship I've ever had? Carter has been a part of my life for so long. But, God I don't know where this leaves us. If we were really working out, if this was meant to be, why didn't he ask me? I don't really know what I would have said; am I ready to get married again? God knows I wasn't good at marriage last time. But, with Carter its different, when I'm not with him I miss him, and when I need someone, whether its crap with Maggie or Eric, or even myself; I know he's there, and I think he's the only one I've ever been able to admit that I need help from.  
  
This is so hard, not knowing if he hates me or if it's my fault that we are where we are. He was right though, saying that the things I'm changing, the smoking, the drinking, am I going to stick with them when it gets too hard? Unaware of it, I start to cry, loud gasping sobs. My life is so pathetic; I have the greatest man in the word in my life right now, and he loves me and wants to be with me, but I push him away and shut him out of my life.  
  
He walking towards me again, and I finally notice that he's crying too. "Abby" He barely whispers. He looks so sad, lost, confused, and most of all hurt. "I don't want to fix you," he says, and I look at him confusingly, he continues "When I told Maggie about proposing to you she told me she didn't want me to try and change you; and then at the restaurant I asked you if you thought we've changed, and you said that you don't think people ever really can change. And that's when I put the ring away." "John," I started, but he interrupted me. "No, let me finish, I realized that I love you Abby, just the way you are, and I can't change you, you have to want to change. But, even if you never change I know that I'm still going to love you." Now it's my turn, "Carter, I want to change, I'm sick of this pathetic woman that has replaced who I really am, but Carter there's no way I can change, because my life doesn't belong to me. Well, not entirely, anyway, Maggie and Eric are always going to come before me, and sometimes I just can't do it. That's why I drink, it's why I smoke, but Carter I feel like my being with you, is just gonna screw with you life too. It's not fair, and there is nothing we can do about it." I practically yell at him. "I know you think you can handle that Carter, but you don't want it, because no one does, and no one should have to put up with that crap, but I do." I just want this all to be done, if I just walk away and break my own heart, run from the one person who loves and understands me, maybe I can save his.  
  
But, as I try to turn, I realize I can't. John is the only person I have ever been truly happy with. I want to be selfish; I want to keep Carter with me forever. I know its wrong and a part of me doesn't care. "Abby," he pulls me from my reverie once again. "I love you, I know we both have baggage, and I care about you too much to let you do this to yourself. Let me love you, let me help you." "Carter, I can't, what happens when you hate me, when you hate that you got stuck with me. What are you going to do then, I know you won't leave; you're too damn loyal for that. Maybe you should just leave now while you still can. Before I make you so miserable that you run, like everyone else." I.God, how can I tell him that? Please don't listen to me John, stay. Please stay. Then he does something I wasn't expecting; he starts to turn around, to walk back to the jeep. I guess he's really leaving. Just before getting in though, he looks at me expectantly and asks "well, aren't you gonna get in?" I don't know what to do now, the ball is really in my court, I know I should walk away, let John lead a better life than the one he could have with me, but he wouldn't still be here if he didn't want to, would he? So, I do what my heart has been telling me to the whole time, I walk over to him and kiss him, trying to show him just how much I love him, and how much I love him for giving up what he is.  
  
Then, as if nothing had happened he asks, "wanna order pizza?" I realize that no matter how much I screw up, Cater is the one person who won't care, cause he loves me. "Sure, but you're buying." I joke. He smiles; we clasp hands and make our way to the jeep. He kisses the top of my head right before we get in, and this time I proud to say it's me who says 'I love you' first. Even though I don't really know where this leaves us, I think that just his being here is enough for the moment. 


End file.
